Over the years, I have often wondered if I had some part to play in this act of his. I loved him, or at least thought I did at the time, but on reflection I think I was obsessed, I put all of my self-worth into my relationship with him. I was paranoid and clingy, wanting to know his every move any moment he was not with me. Thank god we didn't have mobile phones and social media then, I would have stalked him 24 hours a day and probably would have been hit with some kind of restraining order! The upshot is, I didn't trust him because I didn't value myself, I had little or no self-esteem and sadly this was a pattern I repeated many times over the years until I began to work on myself and truly value and understand my worth. And as I look back and reflect on some terrible relationships I've had, I realise that not only was I potentially with the wrong people, I was also the wrong person. I now realise hat we get back what we put into the world, the outward world is reflection of what is going on inside. Nobody can ever make us happy, it has to come from within first and will then be replicated by others. Bullies to not pick on the strong, they pick on the weak.
It's was a tough lesson to learn and hard took me a few years to figure out and admit to myself and now knowing that, I feel freer somehow. I have taken that feedback to myself and no longer hold onto anger or blame others for my actions. I own them.
If I could go back now to that 18 year old me, I would tell her that she is awesome, that this is a moment in time, it doesn't define her and it certainly won't break her. Maybe if I had understood my worth then, I wouldn't have repeated this pattern numerous times over the years. Buy hey as I said, there is no failure only feedback.
And today, while I know I am not perfect (whatever that is) I am true to myself and those around me. I don;t have regrets, I have learnings. I trust my Husband implicitly, I know with every part of my being that he loves me unconditionally, as I do him. It's a good place to be. I am not suggesting that you trust everyone blindly without question, but in moments of doubt look into your soul and ask yourself what is your part in this scenario. What are you projecting into the world?
This weekend I was at a self-belief seminar with a friend. At the end of the 2nd day we were given steel rods, with each end placed in the soft part of our throats and we had to walk together to bend the bar. This was a complete act of trust and faith, I don't think either of us was totally convinced we weren't going to die on the spot, but somehow, with a lot of trust and quite a bit of fear, we manged to do it, first time.
What truth are you hiding from yourself? Who are you relying on for your self-worth? and what are you going to do about it?